The dating and commitment periods in your relationship are a beautiful time for both of you. Feelings are blossoming, you are creating dreams together and anything seems possible.
Often, when we’re dating or in a relationship, we overlook some important parts of our lives that we want to consider before walking down the aisle. In the fog of falling in love and promises of happiness, these 9 things (that you need to seriously consider!) often slip off the radar.
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Aim
Before you jump into a lifelong marriage contract, it’s important to consider the goals and dreams you both cherish. Do you have options to help each other’s passions and pursuits? What will your wedding mean to your goals and vice versa?
Center around the big picture: What do you both need out of life? Can you find your fantasies together at any time? If you are married, and if so, is there anything you might have the option of giving it up?
Family
Your family of origin has a tremendous influence on your past, present, and future. Depending on the situation, the family you come from can greatly affect your relationship.
There is a famous saying that when you marry, “you marry the family”. Sadly (or fortunately we appeal to God for the last option), this is valid. Inquire about your intended home life; If it’s toxic or unwanted, it’s possible that those harmful examples can carry over into your marriage and the family you want to build together.
A difficult past or an abusive family of origin isn’t a death sentence for your relationship, but it’s still something to consider diligently. If you’re facing this situation, seeking counseling together can help you both keep a horrible example from lurking in your home later.
Faith
Spirituality is one of the biggest debated issues in relationships. It is deeply personal and can be an incredibly touchy subject. That’s all the more motivation to talk about it from the start.
Having different belief structures doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage can’t work, but you’ll still have exceptionally challenging waters to navigate—as a team and within your family. Include children and things can get even more complicated.
What central spiritual or religious beliefs do you share? Finding your shared beliefs and working outward from that point is an incredible first step.
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Baggage
It’s not hard to say that the past can’t define us—and it shouldn’t. Yet, it can seriously affect the present and the future more than you want to admit. Clearing the air together about any past baggage you bring into your relationship is a tremendous service you can perform for each other.
Love and beauty can overcome the most painful past experiences, but working together now will help the two of you decide if the past will prevent your relationship from moving forward.
Is it true that you are willing and ready to let go of your boyfriend or girlfriend’s baggage? Is this an issue that could put a strain on your relationship later? If this happens, will you have options to deal with the tension together?
Financial
The way you finance the two methods will completely affect your entire life. Communicating about cash isn’t usually pretty, but it will give your insight into each other’s habits and mindsets around spending, saving, and stewardship.
Many studies have cited money as a major source of conflict in marriages. As with the various topics we’ve covered, you may find it useful to seek professional guidance in this space. Make full financial arrangements early, and you’ll have an easier road ahead.
Priority
What is generally important to each of you? You’ll find that the common priorities you hold will tell you a lot about each other. Verbal priorities are not enough; You need to look at each other’s actions in a request for understanding for yourself that transcends everything else in your life.
Determine if your priorities are aligned, or if they may cause conflict in the marriage situation. It’s hard to predict the pitfalls you may see in the future when you’re dating and in love, but conflicting priorities in marriage will quickly send you down a path you have no intention of following.
Mindset
Is the glass half empty, or half full? How do you each approach the world with optimism, pessimism or realism? Your mindset is the focal point through which you see the world, and if your mindsets are at odds with each other, it can be really challenging to deal with life’s highs and lows together.
If you see the world through a positive, optimistic lens and your partner sees the world through a negative, pessimistic lens (or vice versa), it will be difficult to link arms and fight what you will inevitably see. Life listen to each other and notice; You can actually interrogate each other by asking to know about each other’s mindset.
Compatibility
How do you get better? What is your compatibility with each other? Compatibility with each other’s personalities and behaviors is an important factor when you are thinking of getting married.
It is real that oppositions come; Draw opposites, and can still be compatible. Regardless, sometimes our differences can confuse us, and it’s useful to understand what they are and how to navigate them. You may be exceptionally attracted to each other right now, but the attraction may fade over time if you’re not together.
Child
Do you both need to have children sometime in the not-so-distant future? What is each of your visions for the family you are building together? If one of you desperately needs children, but the other has no desire to have children (or again if your desires for children are incredibly mismatched), you may be in for significant grief.
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Conclusion
Don’t bet on the assumption that you can change each other’s views down the road to suit your own desires. If there is something between you that may go beyond your relationship after the contract is established, it is wise to be aware before you get married.
If you find that you are incompatible or have very different perspectives, there is not just one strategy to take. Realizing you’re at odds with each other in any of these areas doesn’t require an immediate end to your friendship or your commitment, but it does require a deep dive into the issues. We would rather you deal with them before the wedding, not put them off until after the wedding.
SYMBIS assessments can help you initiate and effectively navigate these conversations. Our trained facilitators can help you identify areas of your life where you are compatible and areas where you are not. Then, you can collaborate to strengthen your relationship by getting to know each other better.
Have you considered these 9 things? How did the two of you decide to tackle them together? Did facing these issues together strengthen your relationship, or did you decide to go the other way before saying “I do”? We would love to hear from you too in the comments section.
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